In Loving Memory of Angel, Hope, and Grace

I couldn't believe my eyes early one January morning in 2015. Was that two pink lines on that pregnancy test? After a time of infertility and fertility treatments, this was my biggest dream come true! Chris and I were so excited that we told people right away. Seeing that little heartbeat at 8 weeks was one of the sweetest moments of my life. We never dreamed that anything bad would happen after learning that we were pregnant. However, at about 12 weeks, I found myself alone in an ER (Chris was traveling for work) hearing the most devastating words ever uttered to me, "I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat." To say we were devastated was an understatement.  It has always been important to Chris and me to honor all our babies no matter how long they were with us. Even if we never laid eyes on them. We named our first baby Angel. We chose this as a gender-neutral name to represent our Heavenly baby. At the time, we believed this would be our only Heaven baby. It never entered our minds that we could face this tragedy again. Side note: we do not believe our babies are angels in Heaven. We believe they are humans that are with Jesus that we will see again one day because of our hope in Him. 

After losing Angel, I began searching for books and Bible Studies specific to miscarriage, but really didn't find much. I felt so alone in my grief.  Thankfully, God led me to meet other women who also experienced miscarriages. They were a source of encouragement. It was a long, brutal road to healing. 

Fast forward a couple of years, we have a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed sweet, funny two-year-old named Austin.  We very much wanted Austin to have a sibling, so we were thrilled to get another positive pregnancy test. However, at ten weeks an all too familiar feeling of deja vu set in as we heard the doctor repeat those chilling words yet again: "There is no heartbeat." This time around, a sweet lady at my church who has also walked this terrible road sent me a Hope Box. Inside of it were Bible study books geared specifically toward miscarriage and still birth, a Bible, comfort items, and an invitation to join a community of women who have also experienced losing a baby through miscarriage, still birth, or infant death.  The resources in my Hope Box were so valuable as I grieved. Plus, I made deep connections with this community of women. They understood my loss. This group was a place to vent, cry, and talk about feelings that only those who have walked this road understand.  It was also a place to be pointed to Jesus, the ultimate source of comfort. 

We found out through testing this time around that our baby was a girl. We chose to name her Hope, inspired by this wonderful ministry. 

Another couple of years went by. We had another positive pregnancy test.  This time we made it to our 12-week appointment. Testing done then showed us a healthy baby girl. We felt incredibly relieved and elated. Austin would finally have a sibling he could share special times with for the rest of their lives. We named our daughter Grace Anne.  

After a series of traumatic events, we found out that Grace no longer had a heartbeat at just 21 weeks. She was delivered via c-section on May 8, 2020, at 8:45 AM.  She was beautiful. She had perfect little fingers and toes, blonde eyebrows, deep blue eyes (much like her brother's eyes when he was born), and the sweetest little mouth. We lost her due to a placenta abruption.  

I was ever so thankful that I had previously discovered Hope Mommies. I still had the resources from my Hope Box which I think were even more meaningful to me this time around.  I was able to attend a Bible Study with other Hope Moms, giving me a safe space to share my grief and feelings with others.  Hope Mommies honors my babies. They are remembered here. Their names are said. Their stories are heard.  As I told my husband in my anesthesia induced haze, "Our story isn't over." Hope Mommies provides beautiful reminders that my babies' stories aren't over either. Their lives have purpose and meaning. 

Please consider giving to this amazing organization so that they can continue to provide hope to bereaved mothers. Many hospitals in our area have hope boxes to give to women who will be leaving the hospital without their sweet babies. Your donation will go toward the cost of these boxes so that moms in need will be able to receive them.